finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
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I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“Why you watching this shit?”
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.