Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

Him: Do you have any food in your purse?

Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.

Him: Not all words need to be-

Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?

“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars

[1665]
ME:Make it enormous

“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”

ME:Make it enormous

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

Her: What brings you to speed dating?

Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.

*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!