Finished stitching this today 😇
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If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.