Finished stitching this today 😇
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I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
worst…sale…ever
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.