[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
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Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
#StillHurts
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah