*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
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Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My neck, my back, my…
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?