Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*

Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?

6: My boyfriend.

Me: Give it back.

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex