[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
You Might Also Like
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”