[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
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Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.