[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
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If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Previously On Persistence 😎
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked