Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

omg leave her alone

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.

In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

How software testing works

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER