Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I mean…but I did
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
next question.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”