@TEXASVETERAN

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

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@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 2 of being Kidnapped.

Kidnappers have now committed suicide.

@glum_and_fun

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

@Darlainky

Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?

@DamienFahey

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

@cravin4

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

@punished_picnic

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

@noog

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

@flashember

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

@PetrickSara

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”