Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”