Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
mood
the official breakfast of 2021
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.