Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Love is always patient and kind.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.