@TylerLinkin In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
@TEXASVETERAN Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
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@TylerLinkin 
@ristolable HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
@YourFavMexi_Can When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
@twayne1010 A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
@Try2StopME Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
@DamienFahey Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
@MelvinofYork My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
@DiGiorno Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
@DadInUtah Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
@inikoblue Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.