“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Well, that didn’t work.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
The days of good grammer has went