fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.