Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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This is a true ally.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.