fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
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I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
This line from Airplane.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…