Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
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What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
first you must answer his riddles
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.