[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss