Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
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You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?