Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

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When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.


Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.


99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.


Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.


ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone


“So we kill a tree”
“And put it inside our house”
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”


*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy