Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
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ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
what my late-night hot pocket sees