Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
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I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
welp
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns