Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
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If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
iPhone X
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.