fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
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5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
accurate
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.