FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Favourite diary entry ever
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*