fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
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Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Siri: Retweet me.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
#Caturday
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”