firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
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Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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