[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
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WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
🙄😏😂🤣
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.