Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
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When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*