[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Knock Knock
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
japanese corn
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.