First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
You Might Also Like
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
…u ok Nintendo?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.