First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
You can’t outrun your problems…
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?