*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
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Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I put the mess in domestic.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”