[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.