First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
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I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that