[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
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I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.