[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
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I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Lmao the reply
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”