[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*