[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
those birds must be on payroll
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.