[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?