@KalvinMacleod

[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school

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@MomOnFire

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

@Darlainky

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

@Playing_Dad

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.

@stephenjmolloy

[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”

@weinerdog4life

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

@Tw1tter_K1tten

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.