Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
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You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Only a mother’s love …