[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Dietest Coke
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir