[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
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me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport