@brennadine

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

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@Angibangie

4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.

@Dawn_M_

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

@gbergan

Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.

@kibblesmith

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@iscoff

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

@echo262

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

@moonstruckinnyc

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

@curlycomedy

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

@NewDadNotes

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!