[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
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I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.