[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
DOOO EEEET
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.