[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
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Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: