First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
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When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.