[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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man i love columbo
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word