[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL