[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.