First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
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Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host