[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
saw this in a dream
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops