First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
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After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.