First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
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Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
an airline just for babies.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..